Horny Economist All About ‘Stimulus Package’

WASHINGTON D.C. (DH)—In the wake of the mortgage crisis, the failure of Bush’s ‘trickle down’ strategy, and the price of oil, the U.S. economy is having one of the “coldest showers since 9/11,” according to economist, Jeff Brewer.

We need to “get the water hot and steamy again. There only one way to get that sun dial back in service, my man—that’s right—I’m talking about a ‘stimulus package,'" says the never-been-married 37-year-old economist. While elected officials are offering ideas for heating payment plans and rebates, Brewer is talking about a whole other kind ‘bate.’

“We needa put the bulge back our economy's SLACKS! We needa get the sword back into its SHEATH! We needa put the cock back into our economy’s ROCK!” Though mildly disturbed by Brewer’s visible excitement about his thoughts about our economy, many pundits agree that a recession is near and something has got to happen.

It was later reported that mid-interview, an impassioned Brewer peaked at his own excitement, groaned, licked his fingers and squeezed his nipples to then collapse onto the floor, breaking his head open on the marble floor of his office building.

Medical examiners told reporters that a few stitches and a change of boxer shorts would “do the trick.”

“You know what else would do the trick?” asked a recovering Brewer from his hospital bed to a nurse. “Yeah—you know what I’m saying. Uh-huh. Man…What a day.”