Staffer Confirms: Richardson Looks Like Guy from Dances With Wolves

DES MOINES, Iowa (DH)— Holiday yucks ensued on the campaign trail in the Richardson camp when staffer Jules Pippin commented that the candidate looked "like that guy from 'Dances with Wolves'." None present could remember "the guy's" name, though.

When told who he looked like, Richardson reflexively poked both forefingers over his head and scooted about the bus going "Tatonka! Tatonka!" Campaign Manager Dave Contarino reports he "almost peed [his] pants." With Iowa caucuses a matter of days of away "[everyone] is a little slap happy. It's nice to know that the Governor is in good spirits. And uh—oh guys! Graham Greene! That's it! Graham Green!"

WireTapMN Sources Confirm: Friend 'Just Calling to Catch Up'

SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)—Local resident Andrew Ross left a message to ‘just [check] in’ on friend Ben Carroll’s voicemail, WireTapMN sources confirmed Monday. Ross’s voicemail message—which clocked in just short of :35 seconds—casually tossed out the idea of ‘grabbin a beer or something, to catch up and stuff.’

WTMN spokesman, Tim Webb, spoke with reporters regarding the methods of tracking they used on Ross’s phone call: “Using ohmic doohickey contrivances, we were able to triangulate the exact vector of caller’s bravo and therefore confirming the recipient’s clearance. Once the vector’s bravo has clearance, she's done her job."

Officials from the office of Stephen Hadley, Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, concluded that it had probably been a long time since the two friends had gotten together. They were able to discern this information using voice-tone-recognition programs that were developed by the Department of Defense in the early 1990’s.

Despite the DHS and WTMN’s lack of incriminating evidence of terrorism and a judge-authorized court order, officials of respective agencies authorized the surveillance anyway. “With Christmas and New Year’s things are so slow. We have to do something to entertain ourselves,” Webb defends. “What’s wrong with taking a few shots in the dark every once in a while? Well, I’ll tell you. Nothing. That’s what. Nothing. Happy Holidays.”

Local organization Minnesotans for Privacy Rights organized rallies at the state capitol with picketing, chants and a lot of granola throwing.

Disgruntled Local Man Surprised by Lack of This City’s Clocktowers

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin (DH)— Local man Chester Hopscotch told reporters Tuesday how “surprised” he was that there was not “one good mutherfuckin’, goddamn, dogfuckin’ clocktower” in this “shithole of a town.

"And I’m not talking bout that solid shit, either. No. I’m talkin’ thhat gooey drip down your leg when you miscalculate a fart type shit. Baby shit. That’s what kind of shit this town this is," claimed Hopscotch, sporting not one but three military-grade sniper rifles. According to him, the comments started as early as he could remember.

“They’d throw rocks at me and try to jump on me, you know?” Hopscotch noticeably trembled recounting this. “Like, ‘ooh, Hopscotch, I’ll jump on you,’ like the little bastard was the first to ever say that... Prick.” Basely, he supposed this was the root of his plan to climb the local clocktower and take out “every fucker within range.”

When challenged by journalists as to what pedestrians walking by the tower had to do with his childhood trauma, Hopscotch had none of it.

“You try pulling a celery stick out of your ass, you little bitch faced cunt!” His trembling became more of a homicidal tick. And, reportedly, he attempted to climb the news trucks antennae shortly before local authorities apprehended him.

His trial date is yet to be determined.

As the War in Iraq Lengthens, So Does My Johnson.

BY JOSH GOLDBERG

Don’t go and think that it’s been a walk in the park though; this fleshrod has taken me on a trip that’s for sure. It began right at the beginning of the war. As God and Allah are my witnesses, on St. Patty’s Day of ’03 when President Bush came onto TV telling the American people we were going to war, I was comfortably sporting a solid 6-incher. Standard. No Biggie.

Then summertime came and the weather warmed up. I put on the jogging shorts that I always would wear jogging for 3 years. Just after I start out the door what do I notice but my pecker be floppin’ and swayin’ in the breeze. So I bought a longer pair of shorts, no biggie. But then by spring of 2004 the situation had escalated—coincidentally, so had violence in Baghdad and swellage in my funders.

At first I didn’t notice this “coincidence.” But then I made the connection that the more violence—a truck bomb, a helicopter crash—the more the size of my C-piece would increase. I was like, “Lord, Please.” This was becoming kind of an issue, good or bad, I wasn’t sure. My guy friends called me Jamal. And girls…well, they called me all the time. To the point where I was bumpin’ uglies almost every day and night of the week.

I tell you, man, my meat was beat.

By 2005 I stopped going to the gym all together. I was just too self-conscious. So I worked out at home. And it was then that I learned I could do something I never could do. I was on my third set of crunchies when I bumped my knee with my face. I paused. Looked down at my wang…did a slow crunchie only to find: Holy SHIT! I COULD SELF SUCK! I’d twiddle my J with my tongue all day.

I didn’t leave home for a month.

It is almost 2008 now. The Presidential election is coming up. After getting endless attention from the ladies and the blessing of being able to swallow my own cum, you better bet I am pro-war! Pro-war and pro-wang growth. Increase the troop numbers! Increase the funding! That’s right. The more violence to the more shaft-tacular! The democrats wanna stop this war. I say, SCREW. THAT.

You better bet I votin’ McCain baby!

Democrats Enjoy “No Pants” Radio Debate on NPR

WASHINTON D.C. (DH)- Debate intensifies between democratic presidential candidates as the Iowa caucuses come closer. In an effort to offer the candidates a chance to “let hang” and relax, National Public Radio hosted a “No Pants” Radio Debate last week.

The seven candidates, including Senator Hillary Clinton, reportedly dropped trou—some even lost their shirt as well—and without pause proceeded to discuss foreign policy towards Iran.

Michele Norris, award-winning journalist for NPR who "is not related to Chuck please stop asking," believes this to be one the best debates yet. Norris, who hosted the debate, recalls “frequently losing her focus” as result of Obama’s formidable “under carriage, Biden’s surprisingly “Stallone-esque” upper-body build, and Congressman Kucinich’s dime-sized nipples.

Candidates and Norris both were also able to confirm that Hillary Clinton is indeed part-robot.

Area Man Feeling Good About This Thing

SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)- Area man is feeling good about this thing, the Associated Press reported last Friday. After an atypically slow workday at private consulting firm Harmon & Harmon, Tim Johnson hit nearly all green lights on his way home on Marshall Avenue only to arrive home to see his new WoW headset arrived in the mail. He had just enough time to check his ranking, then heat up some Mac&Cheese and catch a hot new episode of CBS’s hit drama Numb3rs.

Pelosi Calls for House of Representative “All Out KY Party”

WASHINGTON, D.C.—(DH) Acknowledging Congress’s poor performance this past year, and in anticipation of its holiday recess, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi calls for an “all out KY party.”

“Despite the hugely divisive issue of the war in Iraq, I feel this will be an opportunity for us all to recognize that we’re all human—and, could use a little loosening up, if you know what I mean,” innuendoed Norm Coleman, R-MN.Pelosi has received many 'shout outs' for the fact that she paid out of pocket for over twenty gallons of KY Jelly and a 50 by 100 foot tarp that's to be laid out on the House floor.

“There’s no doubt it has been a particularly difficult year for all of us in Congress,” Pelosi stated in a press conference on Wednesday. “Folks are in a bit of a slump right now; that’s why I believe this KY party is a great idea. This should surely raise some spirits.”

Although some have accused the majority leader of ‘playing’ bipartisanship to earn points with Republican leadership and with the public, congressional leaders on both sides of the isle support Pelosi’s call for action.“I don't care if you're a Republican or a Democrat, this is sure to be a night (I hope) I don’t remember,” smirks Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-TX. Details about the date of the event and whether or not the Press will be invited are TBA.