GREEN BAY, Wisconsin (DH)— Local man Chester Hopscotch told reporters Tuesday how “surprised” he was that there was not “one good mutherfuckin’, goddamn, dogfuckin’ clocktower” in this “shithole of a town.
"And I’m not talking bout that solid shit, either. No. I’m talkin’ thhat gooey drip down your leg when you miscalculate a fart type shit. Baby shit. That’s what kind of shit this town this is," claimed Hopscotch, sporting not one but three military-grade sniper rifles. According to him, the comments started as early as he could remember.
“They’d throw rocks at me and try to jump on me, you know?” Hopscotch noticeably trembled recounting this. “Like, ‘ooh, Hopscotch, I’ll jump on you,’ like the little bastard was the first to ever say that... Prick.” Basely, he supposed this was the root of his plan to climb the local clocktower and take out “every fucker within range.”
When challenged by journalists as to what pedestrians walking by the tower had to do with his childhood trauma, Hopscotch had none of it.
“You try pulling a celery stick out of your ass, you little bitch faced cunt!” His trembling became more of a homicidal tick. And, reportedly, he attempted to climb the news trucks antennae shortly before local authorities apprehended him.
His trial date is yet to be determined.
1 comment:
Where do you get these photos? And also, where do you get your story ideas? Chicken or the egg?
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