As the War in Iraq Lengthens, So Does My Johnson.

BY JOSH GOLDBERG

Don’t go and think that it’s been a walk in the park though; this fleshrod has taken me on a trip that’s for sure. It began right at the beginning of the war. As God and Allah are my witnesses, on St. Patty’s Day of ’03 when President Bush came onto TV telling the American people we were going to war, I was comfortably sporting a solid 6-incher. Standard. No Biggie.

Then summertime came and the weather warmed up. I put on the jogging shorts that I always would wear jogging for 3 years. Just after I start out the door what do I notice but my pecker be floppin’ and swayin’ in the breeze. So I bought a longer pair of shorts, no biggie. But then by spring of 2004 the situation had escalated—coincidentally, so had violence in Baghdad and swellage in my funders.

At first I didn’t notice this “coincidence.” But then I made the connection that the more violence—a truck bomb, a helicopter crash—the more the size of my C-piece would increase. I was like, “Lord, Please.” This was becoming kind of an issue, good or bad, I wasn’t sure. My guy friends called me Jamal. And girls…well, they called me all the time. To the point where I was bumpin’ uglies almost every day and night of the week.

I tell you, man, my meat was beat.

By 2005 I stopped going to the gym all together. I was just too self-conscious. So I worked out at home. And it was then that I learned I could do something I never could do. I was on my third set of crunchies when I bumped my knee with my face. I paused. Looked down at my wang…did a slow crunchie only to find: Holy SHIT! I COULD SELF SUCK! I’d twiddle my J with my tongue all day.

I didn’t leave home for a month.

It is almost 2008 now. The Presidential election is coming up. After getting endless attention from the ladies and the blessing of being able to swallow my own cum, you better bet I am pro-war! Pro-war and pro-wang growth. Increase the troop numbers! Increase the funding! That’s right. The more violence to the more shaft-tacular! The democrats wanna stop this war. I say, SCREW. THAT.

You better bet I votin’ McCain baby!