SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)—Local resident Andrew Ross left a message to ‘just [check] in’ on friend Ben Carroll’s voicemail, WireTapMN sources confirmed Monday. Ross’s voicemail message—which clocked in just short of :35 seconds—casually tossed out the idea of ‘grabbin a beer or something, to catch up and stuff.’ WTMN spokesman, Tim Webb, spoke with reporters regarding the methods of tracking they used on Ross’s phone call: “Using ohmic doohickey contrivances, we were able to triangulate the exact vector of caller’s bravo and therefore confirming the recipient’s clearance. Once the vector’s bravo has clearance, she's done her job."
Officials from the office of Stephen Hadley, Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, concluded that it had probably been a long time since the two friends had gotten together. They were able to discern this information using voice-tone-recognition programs that were developed by the Department of Defense in the early 1990’s.
Despite the DHS and WTMN’s lack of incriminating evidence of terrorism and a judge-authorized court order, officials of respective agencies authorized the surveillance anyway. “With Christmas and New Year’s things are so slow. We have to do something to entertain ourselves,” Webb defends. “What’s wrong with taking a few shots in the dark every once in a while? Well, I’ll tell you. Nothing. That’s what. Nothing. Happy Holidays.”
Local organization Minnesotans for Privacy Rights organized rallies at the state capitol with picketing, chants and a lot of granola throwing.
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