Staffer Confirms: Richardson Looks Like Guy from Dances With Wolves

DES MOINES, Iowa (DH)— Holiday yucks ensued on the campaign trail in the Richardson camp when staffer Jules Pippin commented that the candidate looked "like that guy from 'Dances with Wolves'." None present could remember "the guy's" name, though.

When told who he looked like, Richardson reflexively poked both forefingers over his head and scooted about the bus going "Tatonka! Tatonka!" Campaign Manager Dave Contarino reports he "almost peed [his] pants." With Iowa caucuses a matter of days of away "[everyone] is a little slap happy. It's nice to know that the Governor is in good spirits. And uh—oh guys! Graham Greene! That's it! Graham Green!"

WireTapMN Sources Confirm: Friend 'Just Calling to Catch Up'

SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)—Local resident Andrew Ross left a message to ‘just [check] in’ on friend Ben Carroll’s voicemail, WireTapMN sources confirmed Monday. Ross’s voicemail message—which clocked in just short of :35 seconds—casually tossed out the idea of ‘grabbin a beer or something, to catch up and stuff.’

WTMN spokesman, Tim Webb, spoke with reporters regarding the methods of tracking they used on Ross’s phone call: “Using ohmic doohickey contrivances, we were able to triangulate the exact vector of caller’s bravo and therefore confirming the recipient’s clearance. Once the vector’s bravo has clearance, she's done her job."

Officials from the office of Stephen Hadley, Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, concluded that it had probably been a long time since the two friends had gotten together. They were able to discern this information using voice-tone-recognition programs that were developed by the Department of Defense in the early 1990’s.

Despite the DHS and WTMN’s lack of incriminating evidence of terrorism and a judge-authorized court order, officials of respective agencies authorized the surveillance anyway. “With Christmas and New Year’s things are so slow. We have to do something to entertain ourselves,” Webb defends. “What’s wrong with taking a few shots in the dark every once in a while? Well, I’ll tell you. Nothing. That’s what. Nothing. Happy Holidays.”

Local organization Minnesotans for Privacy Rights organized rallies at the state capitol with picketing, chants and a lot of granola throwing.

Disgruntled Local Man Surprised by Lack of This City’s Clocktowers

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin (DH)— Local man Chester Hopscotch told reporters Tuesday how “surprised” he was that there was not “one good mutherfuckin’, goddamn, dogfuckin’ clocktower” in this “shithole of a town.

"And I’m not talking bout that solid shit, either. No. I’m talkin’ thhat gooey drip down your leg when you miscalculate a fart type shit. Baby shit. That’s what kind of shit this town this is," claimed Hopscotch, sporting not one but three military-grade sniper rifles. According to him, the comments started as early as he could remember.

“They’d throw rocks at me and try to jump on me, you know?” Hopscotch noticeably trembled recounting this. “Like, ‘ooh, Hopscotch, I’ll jump on you,’ like the little bastard was the first to ever say that... Prick.” Basely, he supposed this was the root of his plan to climb the local clocktower and take out “every fucker within range.”

When challenged by journalists as to what pedestrians walking by the tower had to do with his childhood trauma, Hopscotch had none of it.

“You try pulling a celery stick out of your ass, you little bitch faced cunt!” His trembling became more of a homicidal tick. And, reportedly, he attempted to climb the news trucks antennae shortly before local authorities apprehended him.

His trial date is yet to be determined.

As the War in Iraq Lengthens, So Does My Johnson.

BY JOSH GOLDBERG

Don’t go and think that it’s been a walk in the park though; this fleshrod has taken me on a trip that’s for sure. It began right at the beginning of the war. As God and Allah are my witnesses, on St. Patty’s Day of ’03 when President Bush came onto TV telling the American people we were going to war, I was comfortably sporting a solid 6-incher. Standard. No Biggie.

Then summertime came and the weather warmed up. I put on the jogging shorts that I always would wear jogging for 3 years. Just after I start out the door what do I notice but my pecker be floppin’ and swayin’ in the breeze. So I bought a longer pair of shorts, no biggie. But then by spring of 2004 the situation had escalated—coincidentally, so had violence in Baghdad and swellage in my funders.

At first I didn’t notice this “coincidence.” But then I made the connection that the more violence—a truck bomb, a helicopter crash—the more the size of my C-piece would increase. I was like, “Lord, Please.” This was becoming kind of an issue, good or bad, I wasn’t sure. My guy friends called me Jamal. And girls…well, they called me all the time. To the point where I was bumpin’ uglies almost every day and night of the week.

I tell you, man, my meat was beat.

By 2005 I stopped going to the gym all together. I was just too self-conscious. So I worked out at home. And it was then that I learned I could do something I never could do. I was on my third set of crunchies when I bumped my knee with my face. I paused. Looked down at my wang…did a slow crunchie only to find: Holy SHIT! I COULD SELF SUCK! I’d twiddle my J with my tongue all day.

I didn’t leave home for a month.

It is almost 2008 now. The Presidential election is coming up. After getting endless attention from the ladies and the blessing of being able to swallow my own cum, you better bet I am pro-war! Pro-war and pro-wang growth. Increase the troop numbers! Increase the funding! That’s right. The more violence to the more shaft-tacular! The democrats wanna stop this war. I say, SCREW. THAT.

You better bet I votin’ McCain baby!

Democrats Enjoy “No Pants” Radio Debate on NPR

WASHINTON D.C. (DH)- Debate intensifies between democratic presidential candidates as the Iowa caucuses come closer. In an effort to offer the candidates a chance to “let hang” and relax, National Public Radio hosted a “No Pants” Radio Debate last week.

The seven candidates, including Senator Hillary Clinton, reportedly dropped trou—some even lost their shirt as well—and without pause proceeded to discuss foreign policy towards Iran.

Michele Norris, award-winning journalist for NPR who "is not related to Chuck please stop asking," believes this to be one the best debates yet. Norris, who hosted the debate, recalls “frequently losing her focus” as result of Obama’s formidable “under carriage, Biden’s surprisingly “Stallone-esque” upper-body build, and Congressman Kucinich’s dime-sized nipples.

Candidates and Norris both were also able to confirm that Hillary Clinton is indeed part-robot.

Area Man Feeling Good About This Thing

SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)- Area man is feeling good about this thing, the Associated Press reported last Friday. After an atypically slow workday at private consulting firm Harmon & Harmon, Tim Johnson hit nearly all green lights on his way home on Marshall Avenue only to arrive home to see his new WoW headset arrived in the mail. He had just enough time to check his ranking, then heat up some Mac&Cheese and catch a hot new episode of CBS’s hit drama Numb3rs.

Pelosi Calls for House of Representative “All Out KY Party”

WASHINGTON, D.C.—(DH) Acknowledging Congress’s poor performance this past year, and in anticipation of its holiday recess, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi calls for an “all out KY party.”

“Despite the hugely divisive issue of the war in Iraq, I feel this will be an opportunity for us all to recognize that we’re all human—and, could use a little loosening up, if you know what I mean,” innuendoed Norm Coleman, R-MN.Pelosi has received many 'shout outs' for the fact that she paid out of pocket for over twenty gallons of KY Jelly and a 50 by 100 foot tarp that's to be laid out on the House floor.

“There’s no doubt it has been a particularly difficult year for all of us in Congress,” Pelosi stated in a press conference on Wednesday. “Folks are in a bit of a slump right now; that’s why I believe this KY party is a great idea. This should surely raise some spirits.”

Although some have accused the majority leader of ‘playing’ bipartisanship to earn points with Republican leadership and with the public, congressional leaders on both sides of the isle support Pelosi’s call for action.“I don't care if you're a Republican or a Democrat, this is sure to be a night (I hope) I don’t remember,” smirks Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-TX. Details about the date of the event and whether or not the Press will be invited are TBA.

Crest Launches "Honesty Campaign" with Release of 'Semen Flavor' White Strips

DANBURY, Connecticut (DH)- This week Crest launched its controversial "Honesty Campaign" with the release of a modified product line: Crest White Strips Semen Flavor. 'From now on, we just call 'em like we see 'em.'

The idea for the campaign began last april in a conversation between two staffers in the break lounge. Kathy Baker and Jerry Fowler, both market analysts for Crest, tried out free samples of Crest White Strips. Kathy recounts the conversation.

"I put it in my mouth and licked my teeth and I looked over at Jerry and said, 'I know this sounds crazy, but do you taste a hint of semen?'" Jerry remembers the conversation.

"After she asked me I licked my teeth and was like, 'Yeah, I get a little bit of that cum aftertaste thing happening here in my mouth, too.' And so we thought we'd write a memo to the Director of Marketing.

When asked to recall what happened Stan Donger, the Director of Marketing Strategies for Crest, he remembers smiling.

"I read the memo and took off my glasses. I thought I was the only one who tasted this and thought that it was just a weird 'me' thing; but I guess it wasn't just me. Others tasted it too. So I called Atlantic Studies and had them conduct some focus groups for us."

The Atlantic Studies focus groups received a huge response, especially from young people in the 18-25 demographic: "These [white strips] taste like cum."

"We also learned that many within the focus groups found the 'minty fresh' label to be misleading," Donger continues.

When asked candidly about the 'minty fresh' label, many focus groupers responsed very strongly.

"Yeah, minty fresh my ass, it tastes like someone tossed a load off in my mouth," said Gary Lipschitz, 22.

"Yeah", agreed fellow focus grouper, Sandy Wacker, 34. "I didn't find these to be minty fresh at all. I found the taste rather offensive, actually. Like I was being punished for something." Donger, however, says the message Crest wants to convey is of up front honesty, not inappropriateness.

"We just want to be up front and say, 'Hey everyone, those of us at Crest want to let you know that we just want to call it like we see it.' And I think we'll garner lots of admiration coming out with such an edgy campaign. We're paving the way for others to follow our example."

Since 'Semen Flavor' White Strips hit the shelves last week Crest has received over four million emails, letters and phone calls vigorously opposing its new campaign.

"This is digusting," says Pam Snowden of White Bear Lake, Minnesota.

When asked about this negative response, Stan Donger just smiled and shook his head.

"We're not in this market to be popular or well-liked. We're in this market to offer a cutting-edge, honest product. Some people just don't want to hear the truth. Those responses don't surprise me one bit. Nothing will disuade me. I'm feeling good about this thing. So will you. Just wait. You'll see."

Crest White Strips 'Semen Flavor' can be found at your local Walgreens or CVS.

Post-Prog-Noise Rocker Walks Dickhouse Down the "Hallways of Always, Pal": AN INTERVIEW WITH JON HASSELL.

CAMBRIDGE, Massachussetts (DH)- After Constants' homecoming show at TT and the Bear's, I got a chance to sit down with guitarist Jon Hassell.

We're sitting at the bar. He swigs on a pint of Harp, brushes the sweat from his brow with his sopping wet "My Blue Heaven" shirt, and lets out a profound sigh.

DH: What a show. That was truly far out.

JH: WHAT?! (He doesn't hear me)

DH: WHAT a SHOW. THAT was FAR OUT.

JH: Hold on, man...(removes his ear plugs and motions for me to follow him outside)

DH: (outside the club now) I said that your show was really far out.

JH: Thanks, man. This whole tour's been some crazy shit.

DH: Like what?

JH: Hey...the hallways of always, pal.

DH: ...-- Oh yeah, like your myspace quote, right?

JH: (lighting the second part of a joint he's fished out of his pocket) What?

DH: Doesn't matter. (He takes a sip, offers, I pass) So you've been on tour for a few years with Constants.

JH: Yeah, we drive a veggie oil bus.

DH: Cool. So has your band received any endorsements from Al Gore?

JH: What?

DH: Doesn't matter. So, tell about the show you just played. How do you think it went?

JH: It was electrifying.

DH: Yeah, like Grease?

JH: What?

DH: Doesn't matter. So it was electrifying.

JH: Yeah, man (hits chest with his fist), I really felt that one, you know?

DH: Oh yes. I know.

JH: Yeah.

DH: So how is being back in your old stopping grounds? Back in Boston?

JH: I haven't slept much since I got back. I was up all night. Slept a few hours this morning on a buddy's couch. Then got a couple beers. Then smoked part of a joint. Then took 3 Red Bulls to the face. Then came to the show.

DH: Wow. How are you feeling?

JH: Pretty GOOD.

DH: So back to the show. At one point during the show you took your guitar and threw it against the wall.

JH: It wasn't making the sound I wanted it to make.

DH: It wasn't making the sound you wanted it to make.

JH: Nope.

DH: You ever watch any Who concerts on DVD?

JH: Huh?

DH: Doesn't matter.

JH: Yeah, now the neck's all fucked up...

DH: Weird.

JH: Yeah. Sucks.

DH: Hey--side note question: what's the deal with all the carabiners?

JH: Huh?

DH: How come you and every person at the club tonight are wearing carabiners?

JH: Oh, our carabiners (he motions to his)?

DH: So, are keychains out? Did I miss that meeting--

JH: --No, just--

DH: --Or do all of you space rockers mountain climb?

JH: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it space rock. We prefer post-prog-noise rock.

DH: Okay. Do all of you post-prog-noise rockers mountain climb?

JH: Yeah, man (he holds his fist in the air). We climb the mountains of noise rock.

DH: But not literally.

JH: Huh?

DH: But you don't literally climb mountains.

JH: Our minds can do anything.

DH: So...that's a no?

JH: The hallways of always, pal.

DH: All right. Well, great show and thanks for taking a moment to talk with me.

JH: That's all you're gonna ask me?

DH: Uh, well I thought I'd let you get back--

JH: --like, you're not gonna ask me: what color underwear I'm wearing?

DH: Um...no?

JH: Baby blue, thank you very much.

DH: Sorry.

JH: Asshole.

DH: Right on.

JH: Mm-hmm.

DH: Fuckin' A.

JH: FUCKIN'. A.



This post's muse: POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Bumper Sticker Manufacturing Existentialists VS. Nay Sayers

POINT. Bumper Sticker Manufacturing Existentialists: The hokey pokey IS what it's all about.

COUNTERPOINT. Nay Sayers: No it's not.

Tootsie Roll Inc.'s Execs Lack Understanding of Pop Culture Shelf Life

Trenton, NEW JERSEY (DH)- In efforts to boost Halloween sales and increase appeal to teen demographic, Tootsie Roll Industries Inc. released a single to be broadcast on public airwaves beginning October 16th, nationwide. The title of the single is: "Who Let the Dots Out? Mm-Mm Mm-Mm MM-Mm Mm."

"Our focus groups have shown there to be a high percentage of teens who would buy our candy if it were 'like, cool, you know?'" reported Dan Blotter, 55, Director of Marketing Strategies for TRI inc. "We want to speak to them at their level. And what better way to do that than with music that they all already have in their walkmans?"

Despite these efforts, however, teens are feeling misrepresented.

"I mean, like, is it the year 2000, or what?" Asked 13 year old, Kevin Wadsworth. "I was like, 6 [years old] when that song came out. I'd let it go if it were, like, you know a lil' Kanye or Beyonce, but Baha Men? Really? Get your finger on the pulse of America, Dot people."

The executives are feeling lucky this year, though.

"We all have a really good feeling about this campaign," continues Blotter. "I don't wanna say anything too soon. But let's just say that the Marketing and Sales teams will be popping a few corks come Tuesday."

Water Conservationists Slam the Pee Shy

Montpelier, VERMONT (DH)- Vermont declared a State-wide emergency this week as a result of water shortage. The Vermont Drinking Water Conservation Coalition released a press statement this Tuesday declaring that all citizens must join together to fight this shortage.

"Less than 1% of the water on this planet is usable fresh water," said the coalition's team leader, Sam S. Mug, who gathered with fellow coalitioners on the State House lawn on Friday. "There are many causes of water waste that are 100% preventable. We're here at the State House to let our lawmakers know that their constituency has found the perpetrators: the Pee Shy."

The VDWCC's statement included a tart-tongued accusation that surprised many. They blame the Pee Shy for "needlessly wasting perfectly good water" because of some "namby pamby 7th grade phobia nonsense."



"What will we tell our grandchildren when the fresh water is gone? 'Oh, I'm sorry Zac, young Billy Williams didn't want his girrrlfriend to hear him pEE-ee.' Yeah, well, hope you feel really good about yourself, you just started WWIII, you little sh**"

One young member of the coalition then proceeded to drop trou and urinate all over the State House gate.

Billy Williams was unavailable for comment.

"Dude, Buffalo Bill! Bro, I'd Totally Fuck Me, Too!"

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (DH)-Yo, hear me out. It's not that I'm a violent person--hell, even if I was into that shit, I wouldn't have the rocks to do it, you know? But look, the cookie's gonna crumble whichever way, bro, and all I'm saying is that there's no need to get your jock in a twist.

I know, I know, these days of violence and crime, siding with criminals is heavily unpopular idea, but I hafta admit, after about two or three solid hours of checking out myself in the mirror from multiple angles, and a few Jag bombs, I can see what Buffalo Bill was saying. I'd totally fuck me.

Don't get me wrong, though, bro, not that I'm into that gay shit, I'm just sayin' that if I was some hot little piece of tail and I was sippin' off my fifth mojito at Williams or some shit, I'd probably get my ass over to the billiards table and work my shit. Cause, seriously--bro, I be not trippin'--look at me, I'm a brodelicious! Checkin' out my hot denim SC Johnson and Wax!

I'd give myself a brojob any day.

Buffalo Bill: Man, you a one sick sonabitch, but damn if I don't see whatchu talkin' about--What What!

So right on. And to those bros who be hatin', come on, what's wrong with catchin' a lil' peak in the mirror and thinkin', "Damn, either I be trippin', or I am one hot piece of Canadian Bro-Ass!"

Serial Killer Buffalo Bill Tripped Up by Verb Conjugation

SALVADOR, Honduras (DH)-Despite his eagerness to "rub the lotion on the skin" of young central American women, famed serial killer Buffalo Bill finds himself confounded by Spanish grammatical translation.

"The infinitive of the word 'rub' in Spanish is 'rozar,' and yet I find the conjugation to be abnormal to that of the rule of regular -ar ending verbs."

"How can I intimidate these central American women to the point of shit-shrieking fear if I can't even get my Spanish commands conjugated correctly? I mean, this makes shit a whole lot harder. Where was Mr. Larson in 9th grade when I needed him?"

The American Civil Liberties Union supports the position of said killer and claims that this is a "perfect example of how the American public schools are in favor of discriminating against "those who need more hugs."

Meanwhile, conservative pundits and talk show hosts have slammed the ACLU for its position, stating that, "In order to protect the legal rights of an individual, the individual's behavior needs to be within the confines of the law. This man is a killer. This is America. In America we should not support the rights of killers."

The ACLU retorted, "You are a poopy face, Bill O'Reilly."

Meanwhile Buffalo Bill sits in a jail cell with Spanish Stucco and a flimsy mattress. Somehow, in the distraught horror of his sad situation, he's able to rub himself against the walls in pleasure. Speaking into the reflection of his unshaven face in the 2X1 window he mutters to himself.

"I'd still fuck me. Uni-linguals are hot. I don't need another language to say or know that I'd Fuck Me." Buffalo Bills awaits a hearing date of October 14th.

Law Makers Move to Ban Fannypacks

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire (DH)- In response to certain U.S. city officials banning pant sagging, city of officials in the primary state of New Hampshire are coming out of the woodwork to effectively ban the wear and use of the 80's craze that has made a comeback--fanny packs.

Over 20 years after their inception, fanny packs have somehow maintained a grasp onto the ever-changing freight train that some pundits have called "fashion of utility."

"It's amazing," says Steve Perkoman, a data storage consultant for Bic, inc. "That in a day and age where being 'hip' is on the forefront of so many young people's agendas that the fanny pack has somehow made it into the new millenium."

As one who frequents the use of his three fanny packs, Perkoman says, despite his unhappiness with what city officials are deeming the worst fashion crisis since 'Zubaz,' he's "just happy they've made it this long."

"We really had a good run. And, come one, look at the glass half full, right? There aren't gonna be laws that infringe into me wearing my favorite fanny packs around my own home." For all of our sakes I hope so, Mr. Perkoman.

Government is going one further with the fanny pack ban in relation to the gay community. Under the newly drafted ban, pride packs would be grounds for a $2000 fine and a maximum 5 years in prison, while the regular fine sits just short of a half day's picking up trash on I-293.

One anti-pridepack city official, Bob Dempster, fully supports this proposal.

"I mean, not even two hours south, gays have been getting married and now--with the emergence of the pride pack--we straights are getting closer and closer to the day where we're not even gonna be able to leave the house. It's going to destroy the American Family."

Some fashion-savvy members of the gay community have come out against the pridepack part of this proposed city ban. Gary Harding, a hair community hair stylist, feels that, despite his vehement opposition to the fanny pack, upping the punishment on those who sport pridepacks is "discriminant and unfair."

"Don't get me wrong, I think that, like, it's totally sad the number of people who still think fanny packs are 'in.' Really, I feel sorry for them. But targeting the pridepack is sexual profiling and that is f***ed up. Shame on you."

There will be a city council forum introducing these new measures on Thursday. The forum will begin at 7pm at downtown city hall.

"They may take away my right to wear a fanny pack," asserts Perkoman, "But they will never take away my fanny packs! I'm going to Ebay with these babies! Yeah!"

Why the Democrats WILL Win in '08: Even if it's for the Wrong Reasons

Hillary Clinton will win because who's gonna fuck with that?!




Barack Obama will win because Obama rhymes with Jo Mama.




Edwards will win because he's the poor man's candidate...er, $400 haircut, um...?...well he's nice to look at? Right? Guys?




Bill Richardson because he looks like that guy from Dances with Wolves.

Oh, AND because, um, he's the MOST QUALIFIED! The most executive experience, a true bi-partisan, latino (possibly the largest non white vote in the country), was Secretary of Energy and Ambassador to U.N. under Clinton, and--wait, that's not enough to convince you? Well all right...he is a freelance ambassador to the Middle East. A man who has diplomacy experience in the Middle East--check it!




Dennis Kucinich because...wait! You're NEVER gonna win! Who are we kidding? Someone whose ideals and stances on issues virtually completely match my own? That'll be the day.


And finally...why the democrats will win in '08:





This post's muse:

Why the Republicans Can't Win in '08

Ron Paul. He's just too cute of a man. I mean, LOOK at him! I want to take him home in my pocket and let him sleep in a drawer. Plus, do Americans really want another President named Ron?




Rudy, oh Rudy. I actually like him the most out of all the republicans. He could make a good president. But come on, with a lisp...?




And...Fred "where do i stand on issues i'm not sure but that doesn't seem to matter since i'm neck in neck with guiliani in polls anyway--go me!" Thompson.

Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure he's part Klingon, I just can't imagine someone who was in Die Hard 2 as the Commander in Chief. Although I can't imagine it, if it were to happen, that one fact might make me think that he's a little bit more awesome, even if I disagree with politically.

Stay Tuned for Cheap Shots at the Democrats!


This post's poem: a haiku

Flim Flam Paddywhack
Give the Doggie a Flip Chip.
Your Vagina's Warm.


Yours,
Dickhouse

Area Blogger Thinks Himself a One Man Onion

SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)-- Sources close to local blogger, 'Dickhouse,' say he thinks The Onion is cool and that he can probably do it all himself.

Skeptics challenged the very idea of a young man who has no professional comedy writing credentials to his name challenging that he can "do it, too."

"Come on, what the frack's so hard about writing fake news?" commented Dickhouse. "It may take a little while to get up and running, but just you watch, bitches."