"Dude, Buffalo Bill! Bro, I'd Totally Fuck Me, Too!"

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (DH)-Yo, hear me out. It's not that I'm a violent person--hell, even if I was into that shit, I wouldn't have the rocks to do it, you know? But look, the cookie's gonna crumble whichever way, bro, and all I'm saying is that there's no need to get your jock in a twist.

I know, I know, these days of violence and crime, siding with criminals is heavily unpopular idea, but I hafta admit, after about two or three solid hours of checking out myself in the mirror from multiple angles, and a few Jag bombs, I can see what Buffalo Bill was saying. I'd totally fuck me.

Don't get me wrong, though, bro, not that I'm into that gay shit, I'm just sayin' that if I was some hot little piece of tail and I was sippin' off my fifth mojito at Williams or some shit, I'd probably get my ass over to the billiards table and work my shit. Cause, seriously--bro, I be not trippin'--look at me, I'm a brodelicious! Checkin' out my hot denim SC Johnson and Wax!

I'd give myself a brojob any day.

Buffalo Bill: Man, you a one sick sonabitch, but damn if I don't see whatchu talkin' about--What What!

So right on. And to those bros who be hatin', come on, what's wrong with catchin' a lil' peak in the mirror and thinkin', "Damn, either I be trippin', or I am one hot piece of Canadian Bro-Ass!"

Serial Killer Buffalo Bill Tripped Up by Verb Conjugation

SALVADOR, Honduras (DH)-Despite his eagerness to "rub the lotion on the skin" of young central American women, famed serial killer Buffalo Bill finds himself confounded by Spanish grammatical translation.

"The infinitive of the word 'rub' in Spanish is 'rozar,' and yet I find the conjugation to be abnormal to that of the rule of regular -ar ending verbs."

"How can I intimidate these central American women to the point of shit-shrieking fear if I can't even get my Spanish commands conjugated correctly? I mean, this makes shit a whole lot harder. Where was Mr. Larson in 9th grade when I needed him?"

The American Civil Liberties Union supports the position of said killer and claims that this is a "perfect example of how the American public schools are in favor of discriminating against "those who need more hugs."

Meanwhile, conservative pundits and talk show hosts have slammed the ACLU for its position, stating that, "In order to protect the legal rights of an individual, the individual's behavior needs to be within the confines of the law. This man is a killer. This is America. In America we should not support the rights of killers."

The ACLU retorted, "You are a poopy face, Bill O'Reilly."

Meanwhile Buffalo Bill sits in a jail cell with Spanish Stucco and a flimsy mattress. Somehow, in the distraught horror of his sad situation, he's able to rub himself against the walls in pleasure. Speaking into the reflection of his unshaven face in the 2X1 window he mutters to himself.

"I'd still fuck me. Uni-linguals are hot. I don't need another language to say or know that I'd Fuck Me." Buffalo Bills awaits a hearing date of October 14th.

Law Makers Move to Ban Fannypacks

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire (DH)- In response to certain U.S. city officials banning pant sagging, city of officials in the primary state of New Hampshire are coming out of the woodwork to effectively ban the wear and use of the 80's craze that has made a comeback--fanny packs.

Over 20 years after their inception, fanny packs have somehow maintained a grasp onto the ever-changing freight train that some pundits have called "fashion of utility."

"It's amazing," says Steve Perkoman, a data storage consultant for Bic, inc. "That in a day and age where being 'hip' is on the forefront of so many young people's agendas that the fanny pack has somehow made it into the new millenium."

As one who frequents the use of his three fanny packs, Perkoman says, despite his unhappiness with what city officials are deeming the worst fashion crisis since 'Zubaz,' he's "just happy they've made it this long."

"We really had a good run. And, come one, look at the glass half full, right? There aren't gonna be laws that infringe into me wearing my favorite fanny packs around my own home." For all of our sakes I hope so, Mr. Perkoman.

Government is going one further with the fanny pack ban in relation to the gay community. Under the newly drafted ban, pride packs would be grounds for a $2000 fine and a maximum 5 years in prison, while the regular fine sits just short of a half day's picking up trash on I-293.

One anti-pridepack city official, Bob Dempster, fully supports this proposal.

"I mean, not even two hours south, gays have been getting married and now--with the emergence of the pride pack--we straights are getting closer and closer to the day where we're not even gonna be able to leave the house. It's going to destroy the American Family."

Some fashion-savvy members of the gay community have come out against the pridepack part of this proposed city ban. Gary Harding, a hair community hair stylist, feels that, despite his vehement opposition to the fanny pack, upping the punishment on those who sport pridepacks is "discriminant and unfair."

"Don't get me wrong, I think that, like, it's totally sad the number of people who still think fanny packs are 'in.' Really, I feel sorry for them. But targeting the pridepack is sexual profiling and that is f***ed up. Shame on you."

There will be a city council forum introducing these new measures on Thursday. The forum will begin at 7pm at downtown city hall.

"They may take away my right to wear a fanny pack," asserts Perkoman, "But they will never take away my fanny packs! I'm going to Ebay with these babies! Yeah!"

Why the Democrats WILL Win in '08: Even if it's for the Wrong Reasons

Hillary Clinton will win because who's gonna fuck with that?!




Barack Obama will win because Obama rhymes with Jo Mama.




Edwards will win because he's the poor man's candidate...er, $400 haircut, um...?...well he's nice to look at? Right? Guys?




Bill Richardson because he looks like that guy from Dances with Wolves.

Oh, AND because, um, he's the MOST QUALIFIED! The most executive experience, a true bi-partisan, latino (possibly the largest non white vote in the country), was Secretary of Energy and Ambassador to U.N. under Clinton, and--wait, that's not enough to convince you? Well all right...he is a freelance ambassador to the Middle East. A man who has diplomacy experience in the Middle East--check it!




Dennis Kucinich because...wait! You're NEVER gonna win! Who are we kidding? Someone whose ideals and stances on issues virtually completely match my own? That'll be the day.


And finally...why the democrats will win in '08:





This post's muse:

Why the Republicans Can't Win in '08

Ron Paul. He's just too cute of a man. I mean, LOOK at him! I want to take him home in my pocket and let him sleep in a drawer. Plus, do Americans really want another President named Ron?




Rudy, oh Rudy. I actually like him the most out of all the republicans. He could make a good president. But come on, with a lisp...?




And...Fred "where do i stand on issues i'm not sure but that doesn't seem to matter since i'm neck in neck with guiliani in polls anyway--go me!" Thompson.

Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure he's part Klingon, I just can't imagine someone who was in Die Hard 2 as the Commander in Chief. Although I can't imagine it, if it were to happen, that one fact might make me think that he's a little bit more awesome, even if I disagree with politically.

Stay Tuned for Cheap Shots at the Democrats!


This post's poem: a haiku

Flim Flam Paddywhack
Give the Doggie a Flip Chip.
Your Vagina's Warm.


Yours,
Dickhouse

Area Blogger Thinks Himself a One Man Onion

SAINT PAUL, Minnesota (DH)-- Sources close to local blogger, 'Dickhouse,' say he thinks The Onion is cool and that he can probably do it all himself.

Skeptics challenged the very idea of a young man who has no professional comedy writing credentials to his name challenging that he can "do it, too."

"Come on, what the frack's so hard about writing fake news?" commented Dickhouse. "It may take a little while to get up and running, but just you watch, bitches."