Law Makers Move to Ban Fannypacks

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire (DH)- In response to certain U.S. city officials banning pant sagging, city of officials in the primary state of New Hampshire are coming out of the woodwork to effectively ban the wear and use of the 80's craze that has made a comeback--fanny packs.

Over 20 years after their inception, fanny packs have somehow maintained a grasp onto the ever-changing freight train that some pundits have called "fashion of utility."

"It's amazing," says Steve Perkoman, a data storage consultant for Bic, inc. "That in a day and age where being 'hip' is on the forefront of so many young people's agendas that the fanny pack has somehow made it into the new millenium."

As one who frequents the use of his three fanny packs, Perkoman says, despite his unhappiness with what city officials are deeming the worst fashion crisis since 'Zubaz,' he's "just happy they've made it this long."

"We really had a good run. And, come one, look at the glass half full, right? There aren't gonna be laws that infringe into me wearing my favorite fanny packs around my own home." For all of our sakes I hope so, Mr. Perkoman.

Government is going one further with the fanny pack ban in relation to the gay community. Under the newly drafted ban, pride packs would be grounds for a $2000 fine and a maximum 5 years in prison, while the regular fine sits just short of a half day's picking up trash on I-293.

One anti-pridepack city official, Bob Dempster, fully supports this proposal.

"I mean, not even two hours south, gays have been getting married and now--with the emergence of the pride pack--we straights are getting closer and closer to the day where we're not even gonna be able to leave the house. It's going to destroy the American Family."

Some fashion-savvy members of the gay community have come out against the pridepack part of this proposed city ban. Gary Harding, a hair community hair stylist, feels that, despite his vehement opposition to the fanny pack, upping the punishment on those who sport pridepacks is "discriminant and unfair."

"Don't get me wrong, I think that, like, it's totally sad the number of people who still think fanny packs are 'in.' Really, I feel sorry for them. But targeting the pridepack is sexual profiling and that is f***ed up. Shame on you."

There will be a city council forum introducing these new measures on Thursday. The forum will begin at 7pm at downtown city hall.

"They may take away my right to wear a fanny pack," asserts Perkoman, "But they will never take away my fanny packs! I'm going to Ebay with these babies! Yeah!"