Crest Launches "Honesty Campaign" with Release of 'Semen Flavor' White Strips

DANBURY, Connecticut (DH)- This week Crest launched its controversial "Honesty Campaign" with the release of a modified product line: Crest White Strips Semen Flavor. 'From now on, we just call 'em like we see 'em.'

The idea for the campaign began last april in a conversation between two staffers in the break lounge. Kathy Baker and Jerry Fowler, both market analysts for Crest, tried out free samples of Crest White Strips. Kathy recounts the conversation.

"I put it in my mouth and licked my teeth and I looked over at Jerry and said, 'I know this sounds crazy, but do you taste a hint of semen?'" Jerry remembers the conversation.

"After she asked me I licked my teeth and was like, 'Yeah, I get a little bit of that cum aftertaste thing happening here in my mouth, too.' And so we thought we'd write a memo to the Director of Marketing.

When asked to recall what happened Stan Donger, the Director of Marketing Strategies for Crest, he remembers smiling.

"I read the memo and took off my glasses. I thought I was the only one who tasted this and thought that it was just a weird 'me' thing; but I guess it wasn't just me. Others tasted it too. So I called Atlantic Studies and had them conduct some focus groups for us."

The Atlantic Studies focus groups received a huge response, especially from young people in the 18-25 demographic: "These [white strips] taste like cum."

"We also learned that many within the focus groups found the 'minty fresh' label to be misleading," Donger continues.

When asked candidly about the 'minty fresh' label, many focus groupers responsed very strongly.

"Yeah, minty fresh my ass, it tastes like someone tossed a load off in my mouth," said Gary Lipschitz, 22.

"Yeah", agreed fellow focus grouper, Sandy Wacker, 34. "I didn't find these to be minty fresh at all. I found the taste rather offensive, actually. Like I was being punished for something." Donger, however, says the message Crest wants to convey is of up front honesty, not inappropriateness.

"We just want to be up front and say, 'Hey everyone, those of us at Crest want to let you know that we just want to call it like we see it.' And I think we'll garner lots of admiration coming out with such an edgy campaign. We're paving the way for others to follow our example."

Since 'Semen Flavor' White Strips hit the shelves last week Crest has received over four million emails, letters and phone calls vigorously opposing its new campaign.

"This is digusting," says Pam Snowden of White Bear Lake, Minnesota.

When asked about this negative response, Stan Donger just smiled and shook his head.

"We're not in this market to be popular or well-liked. We're in this market to offer a cutting-edge, honest product. Some people just don't want to hear the truth. Those responses don't surprise me one bit. Nothing will disuade me. I'm feeling good about this thing. So will you. Just wait. You'll see."

Crest White Strips 'Semen Flavor' can be found at your local Walgreens or CVS.

Post-Prog-Noise Rocker Walks Dickhouse Down the "Hallways of Always, Pal": AN INTERVIEW WITH JON HASSELL.

CAMBRIDGE, Massachussetts (DH)- After Constants' homecoming show at TT and the Bear's, I got a chance to sit down with guitarist Jon Hassell.

We're sitting at the bar. He swigs on a pint of Harp, brushes the sweat from his brow with his sopping wet "My Blue Heaven" shirt, and lets out a profound sigh.

DH: What a show. That was truly far out.

JH: WHAT?! (He doesn't hear me)

DH: WHAT a SHOW. THAT was FAR OUT.

JH: Hold on, man...(removes his ear plugs and motions for me to follow him outside)

DH: (outside the club now) I said that your show was really far out.

JH: Thanks, man. This whole tour's been some crazy shit.

DH: Like what?

JH: Hey...the hallways of always, pal.

DH: ...-- Oh yeah, like your myspace quote, right?

JH: (lighting the second part of a joint he's fished out of his pocket) What?

DH: Doesn't matter. (He takes a sip, offers, I pass) So you've been on tour for a few years with Constants.

JH: Yeah, we drive a veggie oil bus.

DH: Cool. So has your band received any endorsements from Al Gore?

JH: What?

DH: Doesn't matter. So, tell about the show you just played. How do you think it went?

JH: It was electrifying.

DH: Yeah, like Grease?

JH: What?

DH: Doesn't matter. So it was electrifying.

JH: Yeah, man (hits chest with his fist), I really felt that one, you know?

DH: Oh yes. I know.

JH: Yeah.

DH: So how is being back in your old stopping grounds? Back in Boston?

JH: I haven't slept much since I got back. I was up all night. Slept a few hours this morning on a buddy's couch. Then got a couple beers. Then smoked part of a joint. Then took 3 Red Bulls to the face. Then came to the show.

DH: Wow. How are you feeling?

JH: Pretty GOOD.

DH: So back to the show. At one point during the show you took your guitar and threw it against the wall.

JH: It wasn't making the sound I wanted it to make.

DH: It wasn't making the sound you wanted it to make.

JH: Nope.

DH: You ever watch any Who concerts on DVD?

JH: Huh?

DH: Doesn't matter.

JH: Yeah, now the neck's all fucked up...

DH: Weird.

JH: Yeah. Sucks.

DH: Hey--side note question: what's the deal with all the carabiners?

JH: Huh?

DH: How come you and every person at the club tonight are wearing carabiners?

JH: Oh, our carabiners (he motions to his)?

DH: So, are keychains out? Did I miss that meeting--

JH: --No, just--

DH: --Or do all of you space rockers mountain climb?

JH: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it space rock. We prefer post-prog-noise rock.

DH: Okay. Do all of you post-prog-noise rockers mountain climb?

JH: Yeah, man (he holds his fist in the air). We climb the mountains of noise rock.

DH: But not literally.

JH: Huh?

DH: But you don't literally climb mountains.

JH: Our minds can do anything.

DH: So...that's a no?

JH: The hallways of always, pal.

DH: All right. Well, great show and thanks for taking a moment to talk with me.

JH: That's all you're gonna ask me?

DH: Uh, well I thought I'd let you get back--

JH: --like, you're not gonna ask me: what color underwear I'm wearing?

DH: Um...no?

JH: Baby blue, thank you very much.

DH: Sorry.

JH: Asshole.

DH: Right on.

JH: Mm-hmm.

DH: Fuckin' A.

JH: FUCKIN'. A.



This post's muse: POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Bumper Sticker Manufacturing Existentialists VS. Nay Sayers

POINT. Bumper Sticker Manufacturing Existentialists: The hokey pokey IS what it's all about.

COUNTERPOINT. Nay Sayers: No it's not.

Tootsie Roll Inc.'s Execs Lack Understanding of Pop Culture Shelf Life

Trenton, NEW JERSEY (DH)- In efforts to boost Halloween sales and increase appeal to teen demographic, Tootsie Roll Industries Inc. released a single to be broadcast on public airwaves beginning October 16th, nationwide. The title of the single is: "Who Let the Dots Out? Mm-Mm Mm-Mm MM-Mm Mm."

"Our focus groups have shown there to be a high percentage of teens who would buy our candy if it were 'like, cool, you know?'" reported Dan Blotter, 55, Director of Marketing Strategies for TRI inc. "We want to speak to them at their level. And what better way to do that than with music that they all already have in their walkmans?"

Despite these efforts, however, teens are feeling misrepresented.

"I mean, like, is it the year 2000, or what?" Asked 13 year old, Kevin Wadsworth. "I was like, 6 [years old] when that song came out. I'd let it go if it were, like, you know a lil' Kanye or Beyonce, but Baha Men? Really? Get your finger on the pulse of America, Dot people."

The executives are feeling lucky this year, though.

"We all have a really good feeling about this campaign," continues Blotter. "I don't wanna say anything too soon. But let's just say that the Marketing and Sales teams will be popping a few corks come Tuesday."

Water Conservationists Slam the Pee Shy

Montpelier, VERMONT (DH)- Vermont declared a State-wide emergency this week as a result of water shortage. The Vermont Drinking Water Conservation Coalition released a press statement this Tuesday declaring that all citizens must join together to fight this shortage.

"Less than 1% of the water on this planet is usable fresh water," said the coalition's team leader, Sam S. Mug, who gathered with fellow coalitioners on the State House lawn on Friday. "There are many causes of water waste that are 100% preventable. We're here at the State House to let our lawmakers know that their constituency has found the perpetrators: the Pee Shy."

The VDWCC's statement included a tart-tongued accusation that surprised many. They blame the Pee Shy for "needlessly wasting perfectly good water" because of some "namby pamby 7th grade phobia nonsense."



"What will we tell our grandchildren when the fresh water is gone? 'Oh, I'm sorry Zac, young Billy Williams didn't want his girrrlfriend to hear him pEE-ee.' Yeah, well, hope you feel really good about yourself, you just started WWIII, you little sh**"

One young member of the coalition then proceeded to drop trou and urinate all over the State House gate.

Billy Williams was unavailable for comment.