JEWBLATT: A New Series

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CNN Can Project Wolf Blitzer Miserable, Lonely

NEW YORK, New York (DH) —Despite high ratings and record numbers, CNN can now project Situation Room host Wolf Blitzer a sad and miserable man. Blitzer plans on hitting the sack earlier than usual tonight in anticipation for the thrilling, albeit low-stake Mississippi primary. Blitzer insists on reporting on this southern state with the same enthusiasm he did with past primaries, such as the Potomac ring and February’s Super Tuesday.

Despite his professional earnestness and genuine integrity, Blitzer cannot help but ask himself the question: “What am I doing? Who really gives a flying fuck about the Mississippi primary, anyway?”

The CNN Situation Room host nurses a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in one hand and his TV remote in another. “See look and listen to Chris Matthews. He’s got things to say, he’s got shit to report.

“And me? What—how many delegates are at stake in Mississippi, really? Who needs to hear about this banal minutia, anyway? I’m just an exploitative, lame-sacked hack.”

As the eyes of Americans are fixed on Mississippi this week, Wolf Blitzer’s stream self-deprecating tears in a salty gaze of the thirty-two big screen HD monitors in CNN’s Election Center studio.

Pelosi Confirms: No Way to Talk About Economy Without Sounding Dirty

WASHINTON D.C.(DH)- Amidst the faltering U.S. economy and efforts to get it back up and running, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, responding to question about an economic stimulus package, announced this week, "we're not sure about the size of the package, but hope it will stimulate the economy. Hopefully there's more to come."

Press and Pundits alike squirmed in their chairs, faces beet red. One reportedly took a spit take with his Vitamin Water. "And that [spit take] sent the rest of 'em over the edge. I thought I was going to vomit I was laughing so hard," commented Representative Joshua Tate, first-term congressman representing the 18th district of southern California.

Horny Economist All About ‘Stimulus Package’

WASHINGTON D.C. (DH)—In the wake of the mortgage crisis, the failure of Bush’s ‘trickle down’ strategy, and the price of oil, the U.S. economy is having one of the “coldest showers since 9/11,” according to economist, Jeff Brewer.

We need to “get the water hot and steamy again. There only one way to get that sun dial back in service, my man—that’s right—I’m talking about a ‘stimulus package,'" says the never-been-married 37-year-old economist. While elected officials are offering ideas for heating payment plans and rebates, Brewer is talking about a whole other kind ‘bate.’

“We needa put the bulge back our economy's SLACKS! We needa get the sword back into its SHEATH! We needa put the cock back into our economy’s ROCK!” Though mildly disturbed by Brewer’s visible excitement about his thoughts about our economy, many pundits agree that a recession is near and something has got to happen.

It was later reported that mid-interview, an impassioned Brewer peaked at his own excitement, groaned, licked his fingers and squeezed his nipples to then collapse onto the floor, breaking his head open on the marble floor of his office building.

Medical examiners told reporters that a few stitches and a change of boxer shorts would “do the trick.”

“You know what else would do the trick?” asked a recovering Brewer from his hospital bed to a nurse. “Yeah—you know what I’m saying. Uh-huh. Man…What a day.”

Dickhouse Guest Writer: CORY BORTNICKER

Memorandum

From: Cory Bortnicker
To: Apple Store Employees
Re: Hotness







Dear Apple Store Employees:

On numerous occasions I've found myself in both of your New York City
locations. Twice my iPod headphones broke, and once my iPod needed
repair work. All of the other times have been "pop ins" to either use
your computers, or, more importantly, to check out your employees.
And that's why I'm writing.

You are disproportionately hot to the rest of the population. I'm
not even talking supermodel hot, I'm talking nuanced, hip hotness
composed of perfect layers of clothes, thick wire framed glasses,
spiky hair; an air of nonchalance combined with a passion for Apple
products that is terribly sexy.

Even your so-called "geniuses" are good looking. And let's face it,
your typical genius is NEVER hot. Einstein? A pudgy jellybean. Ben
Franklin? A porkbellied snoot. Stephen Hawkins? All right, sorry.

But that's the crux of it. Even the employees who are not hot become
hot through a kind of osmosis not dissimilar to the way music from
iTunes is transferred to an iPod. The amount of hotness generated by
the top tiers trickles all the way down the ranks. Hire a leper and
he'll be the object of someone's affection before you can say "where's
the iPhones."

Steve Jobs once remarked that Apple was all about putting software in
a beautiful package. And boy was he right. About the beautiful
package part. Not the software. Everyone knows people aren't made
out of software.*

But when I walk in your store, I get a hardware. And it's
embarrassing. Which is why I'm writing. I'm a fan of Apple. I enjoy
all the Trevors, Eliotts, Conors, and Ian's that you hire. I can even
see how the Victorias, Emilys, and Beccas are lovely. Which is why I
think you're sitting on an untapped product that could bring you
fortune beyond your wildest iMagination.

It's called iAgra.

It will harness the power of your hot employees, and empower men the
world over. I offer this idea to you free of charge. And highly
recommend you find a way to make it touchscreen.

Thank you for everything,

Cory

*unless you're Mitt Romney


Check out MORE from Cory Bortnicker @ www.illusionsofdander.com

Edwards Takes 20-Point Lead in Scrabble Game

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire (DH)— While new democratic front-runner Barack Obama holds a solid 9-point lead ahead of Sen. Hillary Clinton, former Sen. John Edwards has taken a 20-point lead in an online Scrabble game with daughter, Cate Edwards, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer confirmed Monday afternoon.

“She’s a firecracker, I tell you,” Edwards smirks. “Up until this turn she had a solid 40 points on me—granted, I left the ‘triple word score’ wipe open—regardless, though, she’s giving me a run for my moolah.”

When asked about the upcoming New Hampshire primary, Edwards closed his laptop, took his glasses off and let out a tired sad and profound sigh.

“A 20-point lead. Even if she plays a good word, even one with a ‘Q’ in it, I’ll still be in the game. I’m uh…uh—geez, um—I’m gonna take a walk for a breath of fresh air.”

Edwards spokeman says the Scrabble game will be "in the bag" before the primaries.

Iowans: What The Hell Now?

IOWA CITY, Iowa (DH)— After years of planning, news coverage and time spent with presidential candidates, the Iowa caucuses are finally over. From the now empty window of Mitt Romney’s Campaign Headquarters to the Biden flyers blowing with the breeze down Main Street, the state is a quiet place once again. Iowans are asking themselves: What now?

The Association of Post-Caucus Activities of Iowa has drafted a list of what Iowans can do with their time now:

1. Revise list of reasons why corn kicks so much ass

2. Ladies: knit.

3. Gents: get your ball scratch on.

4. Go on the online and ‘ebay’ campaign items (e.g. Mike Gravel’s stress ball for Change, Joe Biden workout video of Hope, Barack Obama penis enlarger of ’08)

5. Get back to cow tippin’!

6. Get that old car back up and runnin’!

7. Don’t Stop Believing.